If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, will a hipster buy the soundtrack?

I don’t know what the feedback about this post will be, but I suspect it will either experience some agreement or some spineless arguments. Either way, I say bring it on Hipsters.  




Every Generation has its definitive style. Some are so cliché that they’ve become Halloween Costumes. Ever had an 80’s, 90’s, 60’s 1920’s night? 

 The late 90’s and early 2000’s is easily defined by the spiky hair, tear away pants, cargo pants, pop music and rap infused rock music.  I’m sure that when big shoulder pads and offensively neon colours became the trend that there were quite a few who said “what the fuck”.  Well I’m saying WHAT THE FUCK to the new trends today.  Maybe its something every 25 year old goes through. They just lose touch with what’s trending. From what I can gather, everyone is trying to look like they’re so progressive, unique, deep, and spiritual and somehow this means everyone looks the same! 18-20 year olds with full sleeve tattoos make me want to punch them so fucking hard in the face. I love tattoo’s, tattoo the shit outta yourself for all I care. But at this tender age, your loves, preferences and passions can not possibly stay the same or even exist for all you know. You’re going to have your whole life to paint your canvas, jumping the gun and tattooing the shit outta yourself so young is like framing the first sketch. It doesn't have enough character development to be a masterpiece yet. I know I sound old,  but ….. 

when you have that huge deer tattoo on your legs 

and you’re walking around pushing your baby in a stroller, you’re gonna look just as retarded as those people in the 90’s who went bat shit over barbed wire tattoos.  

Last night I was at Bluesfest to see Wu-Tang. Because we paid 50 flippin' Bananas and its a festival we went to check out other shows.
 In the middle of the crowd for Tegan and Sara there was a TEXTBOOK Hipster. Jeans rolled up to the ankles, loafer boat shoes, fancy fucking pompadour... and what is this I see? A HUGE FUCKING WU-TANG TATTOO. Smack Dab centre of his fore-arm. This kid couldn't have been over 20.  His girlfriend looked about 16 maybe 19 if she was mal-nourished as a child. That is a fucking HARDCORE tattoo for a lil white kid. I mean okay... here I am sooo Gangster beefing this kid, and you're saying "Well you're a hypocrite.. you were there watching Tegan and Sara too" Fuck you. I don't have HUGE Wu-Tang Tattoo because I'm white as fuck. I'd bet my last dollar that everything Wu-Tang stands for has no alignment with that kids life. Fuck that Kid. I hope a black guy chokes the shit outta him when he goes to ritual wearing a fucking poncho and half his head is shaved. 

Alright, so now I would like to talk of these new styles that are I assume supposed to come off as non-conformist and edgy. If I can't tell you apart from your friends because you all look the fucking same. You're un-original and you suck 

I would like to dissect for you my opinion of today's trending styles. 

 

1-

 

So, the sleeveless shirts these days… to me they resemble the clothes plus sized women would buy at Zellers in the 90’s. These dudes look like they stole their moms pajamas. 

2-

High Waisted Shorts. You’re pushing the boundaries of cute and excessive here. 

Because god damn some of you hotties look sexy as fuck. BUT if you don’t have a small itty bitty bum bum your ass looks fucking HUGE.  

This girl is pretty petite, her ass? Not in those jeans sistah 

You know what would be sexier than showing off your camel toe and bum cheeks…. Regular Shorts from planet earth.  

3-
Skinny Jeans on guys.  

Please stop doing this. I don’t know where your balls are and I bet you don’t know either

 

4-

Next up… The incredibly popular OMBRE hair. … I’ll admit it does look pretty darn cute on some. A trainwreck on most. Basically this trend looks like you dyed your hair blonde 5 years ago and you haven’t taken care of yourself. 10 years ago girls would be all like “guuuuurl, you gotta get your hair did… looking a lil frumpy hun” Madonna looked like an idiot when she did it… and if you do.. odds are you might too. 

5-

Another favourite style to hate is the big lens less glasses. As someone who had to wear glasses for many years before I wore contacts.. I find this offensive. I have a disability, and you’re making a mockery of my flaw that I cannot fix by looking like a fucking jack ass in your 3D glasses with the lenses popped out 

6-

My Favourite stupid style is the bun atop the head. My whole life this style has been reserved for laundry day, chores, or bumming around. When did the most effortless, homeless looking hairstyle become so hot?  

In my opinion all you ladies look like you were  just washing a hog and hanging clothes on the line. Step up your game. 

Basically the gist is, I hated you when you all wore your army jackets and ugg boots, I hated you when you all wore American Eagle shirts with jean shorts and big belts, I hated you when you were ALL 'SK8ERS'
The next trend might as well be looking like sheep. 
Sheep smell like shit.

Don't believe everything you see on TV. BELIEVE ME!

Soap opera's are shitty. The actors are so attractive that it literally takes every ounce of their existence to look that way thus they are left with minimal brain capacity for anything other than dressing themselves and feedings. This is a video of un-edited dialogue that was dubbed over by less attractive specimens to make the soap opera make sense
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151344306206186&l=4433727511358541547




For DECADES the government and the media have been hiding the truth about the animal kingdom. The truth is in this video. Animals sound super weird. All the cute meows, purrs, tweets and sighs you've always believed were natural are actually false. 
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151344287961186&l=6905297605671693075

Solo Artist Survival Guide by 'Jessica'

Go back from whence you came!

Are you tired of taxes, 9-5 routines, traffic, over-priced produce, mortgages, and all the normalities our modern society subjects us all to?

Do you ever fantasize about becoming a forest dwelling solo artist in the arts of Boreal Naturalistic Survival?

There is a way you can. Many have tried and many have died. A select few have survived the hardships of disconecting from society and have established self sustaining survival. After many months scouring the wild, we came across a young woman whom society named Jessica. Since becoming a Survival Solo Artist she has changed her name to series of Grunts that are impossible to phonetically decipher.

‘Jessica’ refused to allow us to document her exact whereabouts, but was more than willing to share her survival secrets in hopes of enlightening the modern world from whence she came.

The following steps are ‘Jessica’s’ tried and true steps.

Before you abandon your family in the early morning hours there are a few things you’ll want to bring with you.

*note* To keep your transition into a Survival Solo Artist as natural and as unaffected by modern society as possible you should not bring anything.

You may bring a jacket you found,

shoes you have found

sunglasses you have found

hair accessories you have found

Scavenging donation bins for (1 aluminum pot )

Stop by a local pub on your way to the woods and acquire a pack of matches

*found* by means of finding on a sidewalk as you march towards the outskirts of your society.

Once you have reached the edge of wilderness your adventure will begin.

1.

Right away you will notice the absence of McDonalds and Walmart. Do not be alarmed, this is perfectly normal. Hopefully you have found a compass on the sidewalk, if you weren’t so lucky you should set up ‘markers’ by means of bending branches to mark your way. Explore the area through to dusk. Keep your eyes peeled for a nest.

2.

During your preliminary trek your keen eye has hopefully spotted a nesting area. This will do for your first night. You will have to fashion a canopy of sorts from coniferous plumage in the upcoming days. Mark this territory with your piss. You have not been instructed to piss til this point, so hopefully you have not. You will need a lot of piss to ward off predators. Deer, red squirrelies, chickadees, and racoons run rampant. Once you piss all over the place, go to sleep.

3. Good Morning! The incessant chirping of predators has likely woken you up. You should be hungry at this time. Unless you habitually watched Survivor Man, you will not have any foraging skills. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Hopefully you acquired the items on the list stated above. You’ll need your aluminum pot. Locate the closest water, fill your pot and take it back to your homestead. Gather enough dry logs and sticks to make a fire. Set fire to your underwear as kindling. Set your pot of water atop the fire. As you’re waiting for the water to boil you will accumulate some pine branches. You can make tea with pine-needles. It is rich in vitamin C and will warn off scurvy.

4.

You have eaten enough now to remain satisfied till late afternoon. Now you must secure your perimetre. Human piss dissipates and your piss will not mark your territory for much longer. You have not been instructed to crap yet, so hopefully you haven’t taken it upon yourself to crap without instruction. Define your territory by crapping around it as much as possible. It serves as a crap fence.

5. You may now confidently leave your nest. After all the crapping you have done, you’re going to be hungry. Pine needle tea will not suffice for every meal. You must hunt. Deer, beavers, squirrellies and stray cats are your best source of meat. You need to find a flexible, live tree root. With it you should fashion a bow and arrow of sorts. Widdle arrows with a sharp rock. As far as the bow string, you’ll have to rely on your own ingenuity. ‘Jessica’ states that if you can’t figure this out on your own you’r as good as dead anyway.

If you have followed all of the above steps you should be adequately educated with the basics of becoming a Survival Solo Artist. Repeat these steps as necessary. Depending on your terrain the skills you acquire will vary with other Survival Solo Artists.

BONUS STEP

6.

Escaping modern society is a growing trend. There may be other survivalists within a relatively close proximity to your homestead. You have likely never seen them because your crap perimiter has been working. If by chance you come across a fellow survivalist, you should team up temporarily to hunt. A very effective way to team hunt is to smoke small animals out of their dens and bait them with seeds placed inside the mouth. When the critter scurries out and runs for the trap, chomp down hard on the animal. Accumulate carcasses,divvy them out at the end of yourhunt before you part ways.

Best of luck on your new found lifestyle.