Solo Artist Survival Guide by 'Jessica'

Go back from whence you came!

Are you tired of taxes, 9-5 routines, traffic, over-priced produce, mortgages, and all the normalities our modern society subjects us all to?

Do you ever fantasize about becoming a forest dwelling solo artist in the arts of Boreal Naturalistic Survival?

There is a way you can. Many have tried and many have died. A select few have survived the hardships of disconecting from society and have established self sustaining survival. After many months scouring the wild, we came across a young woman whom society named Jessica. Since becoming a Survival Solo Artist she has changed her name to series of Grunts that are impossible to phonetically decipher.

‘Jessica’ refused to allow us to document her exact whereabouts, but was more than willing to share her survival secrets in hopes of enlightening the modern world from whence she came.

The following steps are ‘Jessica’s’ tried and true steps.

Before you abandon your family in the early morning hours there are a few things you’ll want to bring with you.

*note* To keep your transition into a Survival Solo Artist as natural and as unaffected by modern society as possible you should not bring anything.

You may bring a jacket you found,

shoes you have found

sunglasses you have found

hair accessories you have found

Scavenging donation bins for (1 aluminum pot )

Stop by a local pub on your way to the woods and acquire a pack of matches

*found* by means of finding on a sidewalk as you march towards the outskirts of your society.

Once you have reached the edge of wilderness your adventure will begin.

1.

Right away you will notice the absence of McDonalds and Walmart. Do not be alarmed, this is perfectly normal. Hopefully you have found a compass on the sidewalk, if you weren’t so lucky you should set up ‘markers’ by means of bending branches to mark your way. Explore the area through to dusk. Keep your eyes peeled for a nest.

2.

During your preliminary trek your keen eye has hopefully spotted a nesting area. This will do for your first night. You will have to fashion a canopy of sorts from coniferous plumage in the upcoming days. Mark this territory with your piss. You have not been instructed to piss til this point, so hopefully you have not. You will need a lot of piss to ward off predators. Deer, red squirrelies, chickadees, and racoons run rampant. Once you piss all over the place, go to sleep.

3. Good Morning! The incessant chirping of predators has likely woken you up. You should be hungry at this time. Unless you habitually watched Survivor Man, you will not have any foraging skills. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Hopefully you acquired the items on the list stated above. You’ll need your aluminum pot. Locate the closest water, fill your pot and take it back to your homestead. Gather enough dry logs and sticks to make a fire. Set fire to your underwear as kindling. Set your pot of water atop the fire. As you’re waiting for the water to boil you will accumulate some pine branches. You can make tea with pine-needles. It is rich in vitamin C and will warn off scurvy.

4.

You have eaten enough now to remain satisfied till late afternoon. Now you must secure your perimetre. Human piss dissipates and your piss will not mark your territory for much longer. You have not been instructed to crap yet, so hopefully you haven’t taken it upon yourself to crap without instruction. Define your territory by crapping around it as much as possible. It serves as a crap fence.

5. You may now confidently leave your nest. After all the crapping you have done, you’re going to be hungry. Pine needle tea will not suffice for every meal. You must hunt. Deer, beavers, squirrellies and stray cats are your best source of meat. You need to find a flexible, live tree root. With it you should fashion a bow and arrow of sorts. Widdle arrows with a sharp rock. As far as the bow string, you’ll have to rely on your own ingenuity. ‘Jessica’ states that if you can’t figure this out on your own you’r as good as dead anyway.

If you have followed all of the above steps you should be adequately educated with the basics of becoming a Survival Solo Artist. Repeat these steps as necessary. Depending on your terrain the skills you acquire will vary with other Survival Solo Artists.

BONUS STEP

6.

Escaping modern society is a growing trend. There may be other survivalists within a relatively close proximity to your homestead. You have likely never seen them because your crap perimiter has been working. If by chance you come across a fellow survivalist, you should team up temporarily to hunt. A very effective way to team hunt is to smoke small animals out of their dens and bait them with seeds placed inside the mouth. When the critter scurries out and runs for the trap, chomp down hard on the animal. Accumulate carcasses,divvy them out at the end of yourhunt before you part ways.

Best of luck on your new found lifestyle.